Teaching by Heart by Thomas J. DeLong

Author:Thomas J. DeLong
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Harvard Business Review Press
Published: 2020-01-13T16:00:00+00:00

Some reasons to have the conversation can be discovered by asking the following questions: Am I genuinely interested in learning the other person’s story? Do I really want to share my views in a spirit of listening and understanding? Do I really want to problem-solve together?

Here I emphasize one of the themes of the course and session: Don’t slide or resign yourself into patterns of behavior that don’t serve you. Decide whether you want to have a particular conversation. Act with intentionality.

Too often, we opt for avoidance, which usually makes a bad situation worse. Let me share the story of Jeffrey, a professor who didn’t respect or like Jordan. Their offices were next to each other, and at first, this proximity was merely awkward. Over time, though, Jordan found Jeffrey’s dislike off-putting, in large part because Jeffrey was a full professor who carried a lot of weight in the department. Jordan wanted to talk to Jeffrey about the reasons for his animosity—Jordan assumed a lot of it had to do with Jordan’s well-received publications in a journal that had rejected Jeffrey’s submissions—but Jordan could never muster the courage to have this conversation. Finally, the tension between them grew so intense that Jordan resigned and sought a position elsewhere. Not only did the department lose a valuable young member, but everyone except Jeffrey liked and respected Jordan and missed him when he left.

The same thing happens in personal relationships. I know many couples where one member of the dyad isn’t happy but doesn’t know how to deal with the situation. So instead of talking about the tough issues with the partner, the one member of the couple decides to resign himself or herself to the situation and endure in hopes of not upsetting their children. The secret is that the children already know there is tension and discontent in the marriage. Avoidance of difficult conversations does no good to the children or the two people in the relationship.

Todd and Scott (20 Minutes)

Now let’s return to the classroom and a more formal exercise involving difficult conversations. We have a practice run that requires students to analyze a Harvard Business School (HBS) case titled Crucial Conversations (see appendix B). The students receive a form (see appendix A) that asks them to evaluate an interaction between a boss and a subordinate. The case describes a situation where Todd (the subordinate) feels his boss (Scott) has been dishonest with him. Todd decides to act out in counterproductive ways that causes a tense situation.

The HBS students must follow a structured process that follows the theory discussed in Difficult Conversations. The students try to understand context that analyzes the story along three dimensions: What happened from the subordinate’s point of view, what was the impact and intent of the conversation, and in what ways did the individual contribute to the situation?

The students complete the form, responding first from the point of view of Todd (the subordinate). They do the same for Scott. I try to force students to see another person’s point of view from these three different dimensions.

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